This is leaving me disillusioned with everything I've learned and believed. I am losing faith.  I lose faith in ohana, I lose faith in justice, I lose faith in morality, I lose faith in identity, in respect, in equality, in fidelity, in love. 

Coward.  How can we function if there is no trust and there is no truth?  I am willing to forgive with open arms because I am emotionally attached and bound to you in my past consciousness, my every present bones and the shaping of my future. Unconditionally, we are willing to absolve what you are not even willing to admit.  Yet all your arrogance can speak is empty denial; and it is so fucking pathetic.

The hell with Kingdon’s equality of opportunity.  What is an education worth if in the end we are still helpless to change how much we have a say.  What good is it to know about the ideologies of this new generation that no longer relies on a patriarchal stud duck?  I study about democracy, feminism, freedom and equality in the global context but within the realm of my reality, these ideals mean nothing.  

You can constrain those virtues just to continuously conceal your sins, but if fiat justitia ruat caelum is true, then eventually all will be broken.  Revolt like the proletariat, crushed into a million fragmented memories.  The ultimatum no one wants.

I hope you know how much we are sacrificing.  This pain will be branded and sealed, slithering in the depths of our veins, enduring beneath those falsifying submission to the greater good you are so accustomed to.  How ignorant you are.  That is what I will choose to believe.  Because I’d rather convince myself that you are oblivious than to think you are cruel enough to be unaffected by how much it hurts.  So I will assume you don’t know.  But I hope someday you will.

when you're left hurting for the pain of someone you love most, that's when you are left most alone.

monologue 1

if i would sit staring in front of the wide windows on the 16th floor, i would have noticed the whole city transforming. but i don't. not really. of course i know it is forever undergoing some sort of phenomenal metamorphosis. isn't the world changing an obvious statement. oh i see the bits, say the skies coloring, the waters flowing and the huge ad screen whirling; but they are the movement of details and although these contribute to the stand-back-and-admire picture, the end product is always a static one. to realize the whole city changing, i'd need to press the fast-forward button. and by the time i am satisfied with the portrayal of the prominent changes, it might be too late to grow and adapt myself in tune with the environment.  too late to decide and pinpoint where i fit in. too late to celebrate and lament the appropriate. too late to distinguish what's important and what isn't. no, i don't want to press that button. time already moves fast enough. i've got to be more observant to make better judgments during the present. but dive too deep and we're back to the details, missing the whole picture again.

so what is the balance in being the spectator yet being the participant as well. to be or not to be. or to choose the middle path like those who lack self esteem and confidence always do. then the majority of us would be drifters living in a moving yet static world. not that we refuse to accept it. we're too intelligent for feigning ignorance. perhaps we're simply too self contained, too stable seeking, too scarred from the conflicts and complications already demanded from our daily lives. perhaps none of this matters because i'm just over thinking my observations.